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雅思官网登陆:雅思作文实例分析

[摘要] *雅思写作说白了其实就三个点:用词、句式和文章结构,如果这三点都做好了的话,雅思写作获得*并不是什么难事,下面小编就通过对*考生和外国外人写的关于自行车的文章进行对比,实例讲解一下*雅思写作的这三个方面。

一、 用词

“bicycle”作者的用词是*式的。从题目就可以看出来。骑自行车的通常说法是 “cycling” 或“riding a bike”,骑自行车的人是“bicyclist”或“cyclist”。如果根据作者的标题,不应该是讨论骑自行车的问题,应该是讨论自行车本身诸如发明、改进、用途、价格、式样、功能等问题。文中其他的用词,大家可以自己找。

二、 句式

“bicycle”的作者句式单一,几乎就是一个又一个简单句顺序排列,而且少有用形容词和副词修饰句子,使句子过于平淡。重点不突出,句式无起伏,词汇有限,并在文章中重复使用,如:“骑自行车”,作者仅用“bicycles”或“riding bikes”或“they”造简单句。而“why cycle?”的作者用同样的词对句子做各种修饰。虽然文体是essay, 但因为是登在网上的,要照顾各个层次的读者,所以作者的句式和用词都趋于简单,但并不单调。

三、 文章结构

“bicycle”作者的思路是清晰的,但表达不明确,所以造成结构混乱的感觉,考试时会吃亏的。

雅思官网登陆:雅思作文实例分析

下面就是这两篇文章。

*作者的Bicycle

Bicycles have become more and more popular in China. People ride bikes to their work places, to shopping areas, to schools, and so on. During the rush hours, you can often see a boiling sea of bicycles running in all directions. With the largest number of bike riders in the world, China is often referred to as the kingdom of bicycles. (主题句不明显,不知道作者想要说什么:自行车越来越流行,要讨论流行趋势?自行车那么多,要讨论自行车对城市的影响?*是自行车王国,要讨论*的自行车历史?)

Compared with cars, bikes have many advantages (这应该是主题句,在这么短的文章里应该放在*段). First, they are not very expensive, and almost every family can afford them. (这句话分成2个句子比较好,一句是key point,一句做进一步解释) Second, they are very handy and convenient though they are not so fast as cars. With a bike, you can go anywhere you like, and you don't have to look for a large parking place. By riding bikes, you can avoid traffic jams and thus save the time and the money for taking taxis (同*点一样,但这一点思路有些乱). Third, they do not cause air or sound pollution (没有解释,这一点肯定拿不到好分数). 

Riding bikes does good to your health if you ride it regularly (这应该是文章要论述的第四点,但没有连接词,又分了段,打乱了文章的整体结构). In modern times, people are usually too busy to spare any time for physical exercise. Riding a bike to your work place regularly serves as a good way to keep yourself strong and healthy. (2个句子的顺序换一下比较好。因为前面已经说了有益于健康,读者等着听解释,但作者却换了话题。*句话应该是第二句话的原因。) Therefore, a bicycle is really an important means of transportation in China. It has been very useful, convenient and necessary ever since it was invented. And I do believe it will still be so in the future. (结论态度不鲜明,没有紧扣主题句。 应该重述四个优点,然后给出结论)

英国人写的 Why cycle?

作者: Alix Stredwick, 摘自London Cycling Campaign 的网站。

There are many good reasons to cycle. (*句话就是主题句,西方人的习惯) Cycling is the most efficient means of getting around London. (好处之一) Many journeys we make are shorter than two miles or less and these are usually faster on a cycle than traveling by car, bus, tube, train or taxi. (进一步解释,加强说服力) Not only is cycling good for you, it is also fun and available to all (好处之二). It is a chance to get out of the house or workplace, to be active and to be sociable(解释). Getting a bike needn't be expensive and upkeep is low cost and easy. (好处之三,这三个好处只是泛泛说明,一般是前面的论点比后面的更重要,所以句子一个比一个短)

Save money (开始论述*点)

Using a bike to replace your regular form of transport is a great way to save money (主句,符合论点). It's well documented that cycling is the best value way to travel around London (引用统计结果,有*说服力). Compared to cars, bicycles are much cheaper to buy and maintain, and you don't have all the added costs of fuel, Vehicle Excise Duty and parking (比较法,举例说明怎样省钱).

Save time (论点二)

For a typical London journey, cycling is faster than the car, public transport, taxis or walking (主句,符合论点). Remember that cycling is a door to door service. On a bicycle you can easily cover five miles in half an hour and be confident that you'll arrive on time (解释如何省时间). Car or bus journeys take longer and depend on traffic, or irregular bus services (搭汽车时间长,从反面解释骑自行车省时间). For longer trips, you can combine bike and public transport: leaving your bike at the station or sometimes taking it on the train/tube at off-peak times. See the LCC information booklet "Transporting Your Bicycle" for further information. (进一步解释,帮你解决你有可能遇到的问题,打消你欲辩论的想法)

Become healthier (论点三)

Cycling is an excellent way to get fit and live longer (主句,符合论点). By riding a bike you'll be incorporating exercise into your daily life. Remember that to stay healthy you need 30 minutes of exercise per day: that 15 minute cycle to work is the perfect prescription for losing weight and getting fit (解释。口气不是说教,而像是你的保健顾问,说服力强).

By cycling you cut down your risk of heart attacks, high blood pressure and other illnesses. The benefits, says the British Medical Association, far outweigh any risks associated with cycling. (论据二)

By getting fitter and escaping the frustrations of traffic jams and tube and train delays you will also reduce your stress levels and enjoy your day more. (论据三)

It has been shown that by cycling you will breathe fewer fumes than those in cars or buses, so are less likely to suffer from respiratory diseases. (论据四)

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